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FRONT PAGE 3
STORY INDEX 1
STORY INDEX 2
STORY INDEX 3
STORY INDEX 4
STORY INDEX 5
THE MOLE
LEMUEL JAMES
KOPPENHAVER
TED BYRNE
TICKET TO RIDE
OH, THE BYRNE 3
SWEET DREAMS
YOUNG GIB
PRELIMINARY HEARING
JUSTICE
ANGELICA RIVERA
WHO SAYS FLUID
ARCHIVE 7-20/7-27
ARCHIVE 7-27
INCEST
INCEST1
YOUNG GIB 1
ARCHIVE 3
ARCHIVE 4
ARCHIVE 5
FRY HEARING
INCEST - OPEN EYES
ARCHIVE - 6
ARCHIVE 7
ARCHIVE 8
SMITHGALL 1
SMITHGALL 2
ARCHIVE 9
ARCHIVE 10
SMITHGALL 3
CHARLIE'S PROMISE - SEX
KING'S SPEECH
INCEST - TRAGEDY
LUDWIG/BORDEN
ARCHIVE 11/LCCCA
SUNDAY NEWS SAGA/COMEDY
INCEST - TRAGEDY 2
ARCHIVE 12
ARCHIVE 13
LYNCHING 1
MILLERSVILLE LAWSUIT
ARCHIVE 14
NO QUESTION
VONDERHEIDE/HARPER
RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS
INCEST & HATCHER
JUSTIN QUINN
JANET KELLEY
SCRAT
NOTES & QUOTES
HE'S A RAT
HOLY COW!
TALKBACK
TOTARO MUST GO
SNEDDON
ARCHIVE 15
ARCHIVE 16
ARCHIVE 17
TOTARO/FRY
LOVELACE
THE GAY GUYS
HARRY ENG
WOMEN AND PARTON
HERR, BOYD & LIARS
HARPER IS SANDWICHED
BEATING A PATH
VONDERHEIDE & CRY BABIES
LANCASTER/RACISM
PULL THE PLUG!
KIRK & HARPER
RESOLUTION 37
SOUL AND PASSION!
ALL ABOARD
SUPER JERKS
STEWART OPINION
DEVON SMITH
END IT NOW
COMMON CAUSE
SEXISM & MURDER
DOUBLE CROSSED
JOURNALISTS
A FAMILY TRAGEDY
BANANAS & BRETT
WHO'S WATCHING BRETT?
EXTRA! EXTRA!
FEAR FACTOR
DESCENT INTO MADNESS
BURIED IN DEBT
PICTURE THE TRUTH
NEWS - STREAKER - WHITE ARCHIVE
ARCHIVE 18
GRAND JURY - FULL VIEW
INJUSTICE - RIVERA
INVESTIGATE PSP/STEVENS
COVER-UPS & LIES
DON'T MAKE ME MAD
JUDGEMENT DAYS
STEWART TRIAL
FRY, F&M & INCEST
JOURNEY OF PAIN
CHRISTY MIRACK
SUE ME
WHEN WILL I GET A LAWYER?
STURLA - BUM
COOLEY'S EMAIL
CONVENTION CENTER
GAG ORDER
RENTERIA - STEWART MISTRIAL
CONVENTION CENTER 2
FAUST - COLD CASE
CONVENTION CENTER 3
MADENSPACHER - MONEY TALKS
TOTARO - SCHREIBER
CONVENTION CENTER 4
EURYTOPIC
ARCHIVE 19 - CC & CROW
INJUNCTIONS
HARPER IS
HARPER IS SCUMMY
LIES, LIES AND MORE LIES
DOG DAYS - LANCASTER POLICE
LOVELACE - FRY
HARPER - BEINGREAL ARCHIVE
SHELLENBERGER
ARCHIVE 20
ARCHIVE 21
TERRYP
MADENSPACHER 2
ELECTION
RONNIEDOG
ARCHIVE 22
STEWART TRIAL
ENG - FOR THE RECORD
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*** BREAKING NEWS ***

 

    This breaking news is just in to our newsroom from an unnamed source - The Sunday News newsroom is in a state of chaos!

   Marvelous Marv, the editor, has been working around the clock on this week’s Sudoku puzzle.  My source says he has not left his office for three days except to get coffee and visit the men's room.  The source also reports that his hair and clothing are unkempt and that he is developing a bad case of body odor.  His last spoken words were, "If my readers can do it in two hours, surely I can do it in three days."

    His wife, political reporter Helen Colwell Adams, hasn’t been seen for two days.  She left on Monday to interview State Senator Gib Armstrong and ask him why a conservative group gave him a rating of F+.  "I've always liked Gib, and in fact, I like Young Gib too,” she reportedly said as she was leaving.

    Gil Smart, columnist extraordinaire, was last seen two days ago heading out to take in the bar scene in hopes of finding uppity queers.  "I know they're out there," he said as he was leaving.

    Patricia Poist, former political writer and now unhappily writing for the “Living” section, was last seen two days ago as she left to go beg Charlie Smithgall to return as mayor.  "We understood each other," she said as she was leaving.

    Reporter Erik Stark was also last seen two days ago when he left the newsroom to buy a barbecued chicken from "Whiskey."  "He has damn good sauce," he reportedly said as he was leaving.

     But, by far, the most worrisome missing person is Marvelous Marv’s and Helen’s 10-year-old daughter, Abigail, who also was last seen two days ago. “I’m going buying, not shopping,” she is reported to have said as she left with her 20 Christmas gift cards. 

 

PLEASE STAY TUNED AS THIS BREAKING NEWS STORY DEVELOPS…

 

 

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

~ The Sunday News Saga Continues ~

A FIVE STAR MARRIOTT

 

 

    In a stunning development, several reporters for the Sunday News have been arrested for disorderly conduct. Erik Stark and his friend, “Whiskey,” reportedly had a bit too much of Whiskey’s “damn good sauce” and were reportedly pounding on the door of the Watt & Shand building in the early hours of this morning.  Erik was heard shouting to “Whiskey,” “It’s a five star Marriott Hotel owned by my boss.  It’s the epitome of quality, service and good taste.  I’m sure we can get two free rooms.”

    They were joined by Gil Smart, who thought he had found an uppity queer in an upscale bar, but, in fact, had only found a con man who stole his wallet.  “I’m too embarrassed to go home,” he said as he joined Erik and Whiskey in pounding on the door.  “Let me in.  I need a room,” Smart reportedly screamed.  “I hope there’s a well stocked bar,” Smart was shouting as the police pulled up.

    They were taken to the Lancaster County prison where warden Vincent Guarini told them they would stay in the gym with cots and a porta-potty.  Smart reportedly cussed at the warden and told him it was unsanitary to eat, sleep and use bathroom facilities all in the same room.   

    “Pipe down,” the warden reportedly said. “It’s for your own safety.  I can’t have you attacked in my prison.  We don’t need another lawsuit.”

    The warden called District Attorney Donald Totaro to consult on the situation.  “I’ll convene a grand jury right away to investigate this matter,” Totaro said.

    “You already have one convened, you nitwit,” Guarini reportedly told him.

    “Oh, that’s right,” Totaro replied.  Please make sure they aren’t attacked.  I’m on the prison board.  We can’t afford to be sued again.  I’m on my way over to the newspaper offices to find out what’s going on.”

    In other breaking news in this unfolding saga, my unnamed source has just reported that the owner of the paper stopped into Marvelous Marv’s office.  He begged Marv to peek at the solution box so he could finish the puzzle and work on the upcoming edition of this week’s paper. 

    Marv shouted an unprintable cuss word at the owner and told him to “get out and never come back.”  The owner reportedly addressed the two staffers left in the office and said, “Never, ever go to six stars,” He was later seen seated in a barstool at the Pressroom drinking heavily

. 

    Please stay tuned. Where are Helen, Poist and young Abigail?  Will Marv complete the puzzle?  Will there be a Sunday News this week?  Will Smart, Erik and “Whiskey” make bail?   Will Totaro find the newspaper offices?  Wow!    

   

 

 

 

~ The Sunday News Saga Continues ~

THE GIFT CARD

 

 

    10-year-old Abigail Adams happily returned to the Lancaster Newspaper offices yesterday afternoon with 10 shopping bags.  She went into her father’s office and found Marv passed out on his desk, the Sudoku puzzle next to his face.

    She looked at the four remaining empty squares and said, “I’ll solve this.” She completed the puzzle in less than a minute. 

    Her mother, political writer Helen Colwell Adams, came into the office with her briefcase bulging and sagged into a chair.  “I’m exhausted,” she said to her daughter.  “Senator Gib talked non-stop for two days.  I have 20 full notebooks.   He must have said, ‘I am a conservative,’ at least one hundred times.  I will never interview him again.”

    The noise awoke Marv.  He looked down at the puzzle and shouted, “I knew I could do it!  We go to six stars next week!”

    “Dad, you and Mom need to go home and get some sleep,” Abigail said. 

    “I can’t,” Marv said, “I have a paper to put out.” 

    “I’ll handle it,” Abigail said. 

    “Thank you,” Marv said as he and Helen were leaving the office.  “Don’t forget to edit Smart’s piece,” he shouted from the elevator. 

    “I have my finger on the ‘delete’ key,” young Abigail shouted back.  

     Marv and Helen met District Attorney Donald Totaro on the first floor.  “Marv, we have a problem,” Totaro said.

    “Abigail will handle it,” Marv replied.

    “What took you so long?” Abigail asked as Totaro entered the office.

    “I forgot King Street was one way,” Totaro replied.  “Two of your reporters…” he began. 
    Abigail pulled a $100 Gap Gift card from her purse.  “Will this cover it?”

    “That should do just fine,” Totaro replied.

    “Tell them to get back here pronto.  I have a paper to put out,” Abigail shouted after him.  “And tell Whiskey to go home.” 

    The owner of the paper stopped in.  “Have you been at the Pressroom again?” Abigail asked.  “You smell like cheap scotch.”

    “Where’s your dad?” he asked.

    “He went home.  I’ll be putting out the paper and writing his column.”

    “Excellent,” the owner said.  “No one will know.  I’m tired.  I’m going to go get a room at our five star Marriott.  It’s the epitome of quality, service and good taste.”

    “It hasn’t been built yet,” Abigail said.

    “Nonsense,” said the owner.

    Abigail went out into the newsroom; “Would you like to see what I bought?” she asked the two staff members.  “We can have a tea party in my office!”

 

Things appear to be going well.  But where is Poist?  Will Whiskey go home?  Will the owner get a room?  Will Totaro find the prison?  Will there be a Sunday News this week?  Stay tuned…

   

 

 

~ The Sunday News Saga Continues ~

HOLD THE JACK

 

 

    “What took you so long?” Prison Warden Vincent Guarini asked District Attorney Donald Totaro as he came running into the prison.

    “I forgot King Street was one way,” Totaro said.  “Release the prisoners!  We have carefully reviewed all of the evidence and interviewed all of the witnesses in this case and we have determined they were acting in self-defense.  Release them, I say!”

     “Put a lid on it, Totaro, the only reporters here are behind bars,” Guarini said.  “I’ll be happy to see them leave.  That Smart one is a whiner.  What about Whiskey?”

    “Self-defense,” Totaro said.  “Release him.  He’s needed at the paper.  I have to make a trip to the Gap now,” he said.

    “It’s about time you got here,” Abigail said as Smart, Stark and Whiskey walked into the newsroom.  “Why is Whiskey here?”

    “The DA said you need me,” Whiskey said.

    “Have the police caught the guy who stole my wallet?” Smart asked.  “I’ll call Chief Heim and find out.”

    “Where have you been?” Abigail asked.  “Heim’s not the chief anymore.  Tuesday was his last day.”

    “Really?” Smart asked.  “Why hasn’t that been in the news?”

    “What’s your story this week, Smart?” Abigail asked.

    “It’s titled ‘Men’s Days in Jail,’” Smart said.  “We can put a big picture of the prison on the front page.”

    “Hasn’t that been done to death?” Abigail asked.

    “Wow!” Stark said.  “I just checked my emails.  Poist went to a civil war re-enactment with Smithgall and she says she’s never coming back.  She said there were canons and guns and men in uniform and she’s decided to follow their circuit and write about it for the sake of posterity.”

    “What was her assignment this week?” Abigail asked.

    “I think it was recipes for all the Super Bowl parties,” Stark replied.

    “I’ll handle that,” Whiskey said.

    “Leave the Jack out,” Abigail said.

    “It adds a pungency that can’t be duplicated,” Whiskey whined.

    “Hold the Jack,” Abigail snapped.  “Stark what’s your assignment this week?”    

    “Groundhog’s Day,” Stark said.

    “Hasn’t that toothy critter been done to death?” Abigail asked.  “Who the heck is the boss around here?  Do a piece on the new police chief and make it snappy.  I have to take a nap and then I have a column to write.  Don’t bother me until your articles are done.  And please, use spell-check for crying out loud.”

 

Things are improving.  Will there be a Sunday News this week?   Please check back tomorrow...    

 

 

 

~ The Sunday News Saga Continues ~

TEA TIME

 

    “Hello?”

    “Hi, Abigail.  It’s Daddy.  How are you?”

    “I’m fine.  I’m playing with my dolls.  I bought some new ones you haven’t seen yet.”

    “That’s nice, dear.”

    “How are you and mom?  Did you get some sleep?”

    “Yes, thanks.  Did you get Smart and Stark out of jail?”

    “Yes, I took care of that.”

    “Wonderful.  Did you find someone to write Poist’s recipes?”

    “Yes, I took care of that.”

    “Who?”

    “I think it’s better if you don’t know.”

    “Did you write my column?”

    “Yes, I took care of that.”

    “Did you write about the puzzle?”

    “No.   I wrote about Boyd’s bill against gay marriage, the DA’s grand jury investigation of Gary Heinke, the upcoming Ludwig trial and violence against children and the courts.”

    “I see.  Did you edit Smart’s column?”

    “Yes.  He’s a real whiner.  But half of it simply had to go.  It was junk.”

    “And your mother’s article?  What did you do to fill that space?”

    “I just ran big pictures of Old Gib and Young Gib and put a caption under them of “In Happier Days.”

    “I see.  Have you seen the owner?”

    “Yes.  He thinks the Brunswick is a five star Marriott and he thinks he owns it.  The rumor is that he was tossed out and he’s back at the Pressroom drinking cheap scotch.”

    “I see.  So there will be a paper tomorrow?”

    “Yes, it’s being printed right now.”

    “Wonderful!  Good girl!  And the Sudoku, what level did you use?”

    “I stayed at five stars.”

    “Wonderful.  I can’t wait to do it.  Get some rest and your mom and I will see you soon.”

    “Bye, daddy.  Guess what, Barbie?  I actually ran a three star puzzle.  When my dad finishes it in two days he’ll think he’s a genius.  And then maybe he’ll have time to do next week’s paper himself and we’ll have more time to play.  Would you like a cup of tea, Barbie?” 

 

CHECK BACK TOMORROW – IS THERE A SUNDAY NEWS THIS WEEK?