TICKET TO RIDE

"A Lancaster City police officer has been disciplined by his department, after being charged with punching and threatening family members during an argument last month.  Officer Toby Hickey initially had been charged with two counts of simple assault and terroristic threats after the June 15 dispute, which took place at his father’s Lancaster Township home.  But Lancaster City Police Chief William Heim said today he decided to lower the charges to harassment because that charge better fit Hickey’s actions.” 

“City cop disciplined for fight, threat,” New Era, July 20, 2005

Folks, go and punch whomever you so desire.  You won’t be charged with assault.  Don’t like your neighbor?  Go and punch her.  Got a beef with the mailman?  Give him a punch.  For this, and a number of other reasons, Police Chief Heim gets a ticket to ride on the next train out of Lancaster.  Pack your bags, Mr. Heim.

DISCIPLINE GUARINI

“Lancaster County Prison employee disciplined,” Intell, July 22, 2005

“Prison Warden Vincent Guarini declined to identify the employee, nor would he say what action was taken.”

Is this a joke?  How do we know anyone really was “disciplined.”  This is a public employee and we have a right to know.  Guarini, you’re getting very close to getting a ticket to ride.  More on this story later.

PUT IT IN A SOCK

“Penn Sq. plan backers upset by county suit,” New Era, July 21, 2005

“Backers of a downtown convention center expressed outrage and disbelief today at the latest attempt by county commissioners Dick Shellenberger and Molly Henderson to kill the downtown revitalization project.”

Notice how the author put in “downtown revitalization project.”  Nonsense.  It’s a “downtown disaster.”  I say to Mayor Smithgall, Representative Armstrong, Commissioner Pete Shaub and David Hixson, "Go pound sand.  The project is done and over with already.  Stop your whining and move on.  And Armstrong, we’ll be watching you."

COCAINE

“Inside a cocaine network,” New Era, July 22, 2005

This is the most ridiculous headline and one of the stupidest and most boring stories I have ever read.  Wow, somebody drives to New York, buys cocaine and brings it back to Lancaster and sells it to local dealers.  Who knew? 

CLIPPING READERS

"Police don’t want scalpers clipping fans,” Intell, July 21, 2005

What a clever headline and a howl of a story.  The Talkbackers had a field day with this one.  Some of my favorites:  “How much can you make scalping a ticket where the face value is $7 and the ballpark is rarely sold out?”   “Why would someone pay a scalper $10 for a ticket when they can buy them at the ticket window for less.”  “This hardly passes as news”  “It’s ironic that the police are worried about scalping outside when there is price gouging happening inside the stadium.”

THE FUR FLEW

“Man sentenced for shooting neighbor’s cat,” Intell, July 20, 2005

Are you kidding me?  This is front page news?  And a lengthy article at that?  I’m calling The Onion.